Here are a few paragraphs from the chapter on sex, one of the most important sections of Why Love Fails.
As an attractant and driver of new relationships for most people, sex ranks near the top. If sexual attraction between partners is strong, it can carry a partnership well beyond what might otherwise work or be healthy. Anyone who has had a love where sexual chemistry sizzles knows how incredibly compelling this is, even addictive, a phenomenal life gift. People in the initial phase of this kind of partnership practically glow. The most intimate sex goes way beyond tradtional penetration of male into female to a realm of interpenetration, where both partners, straight or LGBTQIA+, relax their emotional and bodily boundaries and allow their partners to come inside.
When sex fails, falters or is used to punish a partner, it can kill a relationship fast. Denial of sex or emotional withdrawal in lovemaking often signals the end.
Sexual energy among people varies widely. Some folks have strong sexual energy throughout their lives and want sex almost every day well into their seventies and beyond. Others, due to lower levels of sexual energy, illness or dysfunction, lose interest in sex by their forties or fifties.
Author’s note: The author is sexually attracted to women, though he is far from a traditional man, having learned mostly from women how love works. Though comfortable in a male body, he has been attracted to numerous lesbians. This chapter comes from the perspective of a person who fully supports rights of persons who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, asexual or traditionally heterosexual. The full range of human sexuality is diverse – all beautiful. Much of this chapter may apply to LGBTQ+ relationships, which have comparable romantic power. A few times throughout the book, the author sketches vignettes based on friendships with same-sex couples, both men and women, some married.
Values and practices around having multiple partners and polyamory vary significantly among members of the LGBTQ+ community, especially with gay men. Beyond the realm of sexuality, people’s hopes and dreams for romantic connection, and pain when it fails, are common to all of us.
Straight men sometimes fall in love with lesbian women, and this can lead to heartache – usually it doesn’t work out. Straight women can fall in love with gay men, with disappointment similarly predictable. There are exceptions. LGBTQ+ people also fall in love with straight folks.
Gwen met Carl when she was 18 and he was 30. They became partners and lived together in the Midwest for 10 years, during which she attended college. When Gwen finished a graduate program, she left Carl, found a place of her own and began to date other men. One of those men was Robin, a scientist and athlete who planned to move to San Francisco for a new job. Gwen asked Robin if she
could ride along and check out the city. He agreed. They were sleeping together, and she liked his physique and tender, sensual touch. He enjoyed her lean, strong body and her passionate kisses. Robin fell in love with Gwen.
Once they arrived in California, Gwen found a job at a women’s health clinic and settled into urban life. One night she asked Robin if he would like to go with her to a lesbian bar south of Market Street. He went along, and they danced a bit. Robin was the only man in the building.
That was his first clue about Gwen’s emerging sexual preference for women. Within a few months, she was dating another woman, and her relationship with Robin ended. He had loved Gwen intensely. It took Robin many months to recover from the loss. Gwen dated several women over the next few years then met her future wife, with whom she had a child by artificial insemination.
Sexual preference in some folks may stay hidden for years. Acceptance of LGBTQ+ lifestyles has broadened in recent decades, and fewer people feel they must hide their sexuality to avoid discrimination. This progress benefits everyone.
Attractions between straight and LGBTQ+ people can sometimes turn into enduring love and, if sexual issues can be managed, long relationships.
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